Do you know that Perfectionists are doomed to fail? Here’s why.

Are you Good enough?

We love to be called a perfectionist and some of us really are. I believe myself to be one and when I got to know about its dangerous effects, I knew for sure that I was one.

To start with, I will ask you about your childhood.

What were you appreciated for?

• Good grades
• Perfect behaviour
• Listening to and obeying elders
• Looking good
• Being good at sports
• Pleasing everyone around

I was, for good grades, perfect behaviour, listening to and obeying elders and pleasing people around me. That was how I got validation. Result? — I am still looking towards that source whenever I need validation.

So, I am still trying to get perfect grades, look perfect and do everything else perfectly. Unless I know it’s perfect, that I am perfect, I do not want to put it out there. And you know what? I have discovered that I always fall short of this perfectionist expectation. I fail, as everyone does normally, but I do not allow myself the kindness I extend to others. I am afraid of feeling shame, judged or blamed.

And why so? Because my source of self-worth is external, my source of approval is external.

Some of us strive and do good in life. But that striving is healthy striving, for your own desire to be good. The question that you ask yourself is — How Can I be better than Yesterday?

A perfectionist asks — What will they say about me?

When you are a perfectionist, it’s hard to rebound from a failure. You feel shame for who you are and decide once again that you need to be ‘more’ perfect. It’s a loop that keeps going on until it pushes you into a state of misery. Depression, Anxiety, Life Paralysis, you name it and you get the condition served to you in a platter.

Do you know that perfectionists are doomed to fail? — Well, You do if you are one. And I do because I have. I couldn’t crack a single one of my dream. I couldn’t crack a single one of my parent’s dreams as well. I know I am being vulnerable here, but that’s a topic for another day. Just for the record though, it’s not a weakness.

Other things that happen to me, and happens to all the perfectionists as I see is —

1. I believe that I have failed others’ expectations.
2. I behave in ways that I feel, and I am sometimes, left out.
3. I do not have friends or peers I can trust and share things with. I am more of a loner.

This is going to hit you hard in the head if you are one because your first reaction is going to be “Oh!! That’s me. That’s exactly what’s happening to me.”

Although I always thought that being a perfectionist was a good thing for my life and career, I now know that it is not. It is rooted in shame and lack of self-worth, something I am not willing to carry forward with me anymore. I have been alone, depressed, sad and even suicidal at times. It’s not that perfectionism is my only fault, but right now, it is the one I am going to address by being a little more self-compassionate.

It would be hard because external approval and hence perfectionism is addicting.

But as much as we think we can avoid shame by being perfect, perfectionism makes us more prone to these emotions. The first sight of failure and we are sure that we are not good enough, perfect enough.

I couldn’t get a good grade on this test. I am such a stupid person.

Let me read all 450 books in the library related to Data Science because I do not want to feel ashamed at the interview. I need to be perfect to have the interviewer’s approval.

Been there, done that and it never brought me either peace or perfection. Giving up being the perfect person right now, right here.